I just had a panic attack. I haven't had one for 2 years now. I'm really stressed about a lot right now. School, boyfriend, friends, myself.  I'm just gonna try to get through this week. I fucked up yesterday when I wanted to start my fast but I didn't eat today. So I guess my fast started today. In 2 Sundays I want to be 113 or under.
I was up until 5 am this mrning talking to the boyfriend, we're having a lot of problems and are subconsiously distancing from each other and I don't know how to fix it. I honestly don't know how to fix anything in my life. I'm feeling really low lately. I haven't been taking my antidepressants as I should be. I want to get a new prescription because this one gives me problems. It's Cipralex and when I take it, it either makes me really tired to the point where I can't function or it keeps me awake for days on end. It's really weird.

I think I'm gonna make a resolution to be completely honest on this thing whether anyone reads it or not. I feel like I can't be completely honest anywhere. Either if I am I could risk offending someone I care about or I don't feel like I can tell somebody because they won't understand or shit like that.

I went to a different church today. There are so many issues with my old church. And I actually was able to connect with the message but then it just made me feel really upset in the end because I have just fallen out with God. I felt like such a hypocrite sitting in church pretending like I'm there for a reason when really I'm not. I also realized that my old church blamed a lot of it's problems on me. I was the one in youth class who had different views on what I believe is right. My church had so many issues with homosexuals and muslims and used to go so far as to say that they would not permit these kinds of people in. I used to argue that if we do that then we should not allow greedy people in church (that's a sin), we shouldn't allow fat people in church (gluttony is a sin), we shouldn't allow the people who don't do shit in church (sloth is a sin), I mean there are so many sins that people commit and they go out of their way to isolate anyone who doesn't fit in with their views. I find it insulting since I have homosexual friends and muslim friends, I have friends who wouldn't fit into my old church's standard. If they want to attend. how am I supposed to explain to them that they can't because they're sinners. It's so hypocritical. There is so much ignorance that is being accepted in my old church, it's ridiculous. And I'm the girl who calls them out on their shit and they accuse me of corrupting the other youth and children (because I really have that power?). No lie this is what they have told me and my mother. On one occasion the pastor's daughter told her parents that she is questioning God's existence and they went beserk saying that I was behind this. Questioning God's existence is a normal process of life, one must form their own opinion on who God is. But yeah, I'm tired now and it's cold here in the basement  so I'm going to go upstairs and read my book. I would post pictures but  I just really don't feel like it, maybe tomorrow, or whenever.

Ugh I fell of the wagon for several months but luckily I was able to snap out of it after I was drifting on 128. I'm currently about 122 but it would be lower except I binged all of yesterday and the day before that. My next goal is 117. I think I can do it by next Thursday. Right now I am fasting until Monday though to make up for the past two days.

Brief update, shall we?

Me and mi madre have been getting into it lately. I'm not sure if she realizes that the stuff she says is hurtful but she continues on regardless. My mood has been slipping, which is not a good thing but I've been trying to distract myself to pull myself out of it. Umm me and my boyfriend got back together and I think I should really stop fighting my feelings for him, I think I have come to realize that he's commited and stop being afraid he's going to betray me like a  lot of other guys I have been with.

 

Brief question if anyone can answer it. How come when I was this size last time I was able to fit more comfortably in my thin jeans? Like they're not tight, they fit fine but last time I was 122 they were looser on me. If anybody can inform me that would be great.

I have a few pictures of myself below. I have not yet decided if I want to show pictures of my face. I think I still have to weigh the pros and cons of that. But until then here are :

My collar bones

My stomach. :/

Side view

 

Yeah I know I still have a way to go, but I'm gonna get there.

 

I just posted this pool play widget from Starwood aloft for 500 credits. You can earn free credits too!